Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Randomize
