I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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