mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
