I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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