Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
