Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
