If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
