Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
third nipple confirmed
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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