Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
