Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
