Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
