I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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