Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
