you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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