What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
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