Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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