I must be too annoying 4 u.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
