I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
