you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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