I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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