There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
