haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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