my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
