Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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