My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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