my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
