hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
