the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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