when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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