You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
