Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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