Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
