I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Randomize
