I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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