He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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