her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
