Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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