dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
