You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
