what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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