My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
