I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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