Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
