Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My hand turned me down
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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