i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
