Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
