If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
