If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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