Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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