I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
