I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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