I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
