i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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