i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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