I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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