a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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